The shortest raffle ever

I’ve started a raffle for my novel–two people can win a free copy of it when it’s released. I really should have started it a week earlier, though–it just kind of slipped my mind. Whoops.

You can enter by tweeting it on Twitter, following me on Twitter, and… apparently posting a comment on the blog. I’m not sure how it works, to be honest, so let’s just plunge ahead and see if I’ve done it right!

And if you’re wondering why you don’t an entry for liking on Facebook, I don’t like Facebook.

Click here to enter a rafflecopter and fly around and maybe get a free book!

Edit: Apparently you can enter your own raffle! While certainly silly, it does let me test it out. Apparently Rafflecopter doesn’t test for the blog comment itself, the person running the blog has to make sure they actually have posted. So, uh, just make sure I can match the comment with the entry if you do that.

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Character Profile: Professor Zeth

The second main character of Slubes is a slube 32 years old; he’s an inventor, an engineer, and a slube of science, although his status as an actual Professor is somewhat ambiguous. Hailing from a major city on an island north of Nottle, he is somewhat worldlier than the other two main characters, aside from the fact he’s kind of a scatterbrained goof-up and his competency is sometimes called into question. He’s always got a chipper attitude, though, and is a whiz at mechanics—he just doesn’t have much common sense.

In Slubes, he’s been living in Nottle in obscurity, studying the crystal at the focus of the novel. It’s he who brings the others together to rebuild it after it shatters, and it’s he who has the transportation they need to do so in a timely matter. The Transpide is a vehicle of his own design fitted with gadgets and gizmos to help them on their way—it’s just lacking some very important features like rear-view mirrors!

Excerpt after the break!

Character Profile: Numer

Hey, it’s time to formally introduce the players in this crazy novel! I’ll be making these posts every few days until I’ve gone through all the primary characters; this will actually go on past the publication date.

The main character of the novel Slubes is Numer: a slube, 23 years old (average lifespan of a slube is 80 years). A few years ago he moved to the village of Nottle for a quiet life. So much for that. He has a nervous disposition exacerbated by his own self-doubts. I guess he has a strong heart, though, since he goes on the insane escapade of Slubes in order to help his new friends. In fact, his heart probably overpowered his mind to get him to do it.

He’s introduced in the novel via a dream, because he’s sleeping. Past noon. Which is what puts him on the path to being the happenstance hero. Could anyone else have taken his place? Well, Nottle is a quiet town—there probably isn’t anyone else who could take his place, but even if they did, he probably wouldn’t let them. He’s got his reasons. His glaringly obvious reasons. (At least obvious when you read the book!)

And now an excerpt starring Numer:

Yay excerpt!

One Month Later: The Liebster Award, finally

Liebster. In German it means darling. Wait, no, sweetheart. Wait, I mean, what article does it start with? Die? Der? Das? Wait, wait, let me start over.

Liebster. In English it means “that’s not how you spell lobster you nimrod”. You know what, never mind. It means interview for the purposes of this seafood. Post. Blaarg.

So over a month ago my good friend Phil Schipper tagged me with this Liebster Award, wherein I discuss the number 11 a lot for some reason. Now, like the last of these tag-interview-things I did, I still dunno anybody, so if anybody wants a tag, just ask! Don’t be shy! Eat a pie!

So, to start, I’m supposed to list 11 random facts ‘bout myself.

Weeell…

It’s Time for Political Corner Again!

That’s the part of the blog where I gain radical liberal leftist atheist socialist anarchist readership, and lose readership of everyone who only uses the internet casually.

First, these closing remarks: http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=TmZCDQTppFE#t=83s

Yes, John Boehner, someone from the IRS must go to jail. On the other hand, no one who pays the IRS what they legally or logically should be paying should go to jail.

Although, I don’t see what the big problem is–if the Tea Party wants to not pay its taxes, its founders, known to many as the Bepsee Cousins, can just get advice from their good friends, the Koch Brothers.

This concludes Random Political Thoughts That I Feel The Need To Remark And Then Capitalize All These Words For No Apparent Reason The End Thank You Good Night June Fourth. WHAT SUBLInewnovelcomingoutjunefourthMINERAL MESSAGE

And now a word from our sponser: GRAVEL

Why, What is This?

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Duth Olec? Duth Olec was not expecting a package for another week! Whatever could it be?

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AAAA THE PROOF IS HERE THE PROOF IS HERE EEEE IIIII OOOOO UUUUUU

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AAAAAA AND THIS IS THE BAAAAACK

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IT’S GO TIME, FOLKS

IT

IS

GO TIME

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TWO MORE WEEKS AND YOU CAN GET A VERSION OF THIS THAT DOESN’T SAY “Proof” IN THE BACK

*naps after all this excitement wears me out*

And Now, a Brief Glimpse at Doom

With two weeks until the release of my novel, Slubes, here’s an excerpt from early on in my novel, Slubes. It involves DOOOOOM or something

 

As they continued their conversation, Cherry looked up into the sky, blue and clear with but a single cloud.

Suddenly the sky flashed, like a sheet of lightning radiating out above the town. “Hey, hey, hey,” Cherry said, interrupting Paige and Gern; “what’s that?” They looked up. The sky flashed again, repeating at a quicker pace.

The flashing intensified. Light from the sun distorted. The rest of the town took notice, looking up at the phenomenon. They were unsure of what to make of it…

A giant, crackling pillar appeared like a second sun shooting down towards Nottle. It was falling towards the very center of town. There sat a pear-shaped, crystalline gem the size of a slube. The pillar’s light shined off the dark gray gem in a rainbow of colors.

With a deafening boom, the pillar slammed into the crystal. A shattering, reverberating screech like high-pitched thunder flooded Nottle.

The townspeople went into a panic. They were under attack! The pillar was like a vacuum, pulling things towards it. Everyone fled for their homes, trying to not get pulled in, their screams drowned out by the screech.

The crystal was ripped up from the ground it was in and drawn into the pillar. The surrounding soil broke up as it was also pulled up. By now the entire market, all of Nottle seemed empty as a ghost town… Everyone had hidden in their homes as the crystal was lifted up into the sky…

 

Check back this Sunday as I begin to introduce the main characters of Slubes one by one.

And now, a poetical interlude

Little Miss Muffet,
Sat on a tuffet,
Eating her curds and whey.
Along came a spider,
Who sat down beside her,
And they had a pleasant chat that day.
You may have thought,
Though you should have not,
That she would be scared and flee.
But it would be dumb,
If Muffet had run,
‘Cause another spider she be.

what the hex is a tuffet

A Note from an Author

You may have read that last post, got to the end, and thought “what is going on, why did the font change, who is the narrator arguing with”. (And you may have read that sentence and thought “what does he mean ‘why did the font change’ I don’t remember that”, in which case you read an earlier version of the post.) Anyway, if you were reading Slubes, chances are you would have seen this first:

 

A Note from an Author

Good day, readers. My name is Wally Plotch. I suppose you could call me the writer of this work. Duth Olec prefers to call me the court stenographer, but even simply stenographer would not be wholly accurate. I guess I’m somewhere between a reporter and a writer. Duth is the creator and the presenter. It is our combined efforts that bring this story to you.

And any problems you have with it are Wally’s fault!

Hey! No! You said you wouldn’t interfere on this first outing!

Well we haven’t outed yet, have we? I just want everybody to know that it’s all Wally’s fault.

Stop that. Or I’ll make you do this on your own.

All right, all right. Go ahead; I’ll get things started…

 

In this novel, as in probably all my novels will be, the narrator is Wally Plotch; he’s not thrilled about the job, but at least I’m there to spur him along, or distract him, or whatever it is I do. To distinguish between his writing and my occasional input (It doesn’t happen very often, I only speak up when I’m needed, I do not abuse this power!), different fonts are used (not the ones you see here, this is just for the blog)… except in the e-book version, which uses a uniform font throughout. Instead they’re enclosed within {}.

Also, you may have noticed a footnote in yesterday’s excerpt. There’s footnotes! After all, this is a crazy new world that you’ve never seen, gaddfern it! You need to know what the hex is going on sometimes! Carp!

Now that I’ve told you about the semantics, or whatever, maybe next time I’ll post something that will make people interested! Well, tomorrow’s Mother’s Day, so I might take the day off, and I take every Monday off because I’m a jerk who likes to laugh at people who have jobs (STRESSLESS), so Tuesday might be more! Might be not! I’m not sure how much of the novel I will actually go and post up here, but we’ll see.

Slubes Cover Art and Beginning Excerpt!

Oh gosh! The cover art for Slubes is finished!

Slubes

Drawn by my friend Eli Manning Hedgington Somename Bock! Wee! It’s less ephemeral now!

I’m going to make it even further less un-non-ephemeral by posting the beginning of the novel!
Nonsense ahoy!